My Current Situation
In my first year in college, I faced a lot of problems, and psychological disorders. As a result, I turned to be a rebel against everything and break all the restrictions. Indeed, I was staying up too much, drinking alcohol and doing whatever I wanted. At that time, my mother died. I felt unable to get her back, to embrace her or to see her anymore… Hence, I felt strong loneliness, and went through great depression so that I was to put an end to my life, which I felt was of no value. In fact, one question started not to leave me: why am I here in this life? Why am I here? However, i didn’t use to ask myself: why am i atheist?
Is Volunteering sufficient?
Then, I said to myself: why don’t I volunteering in a nursing home to find the value I seek for
my life? In fact, I started to enjoy that time a lot. Also, I met a Muslim who worked with me in the nursing home. I wondered when I know that he is Muslim. After that, I started to ask him: how come you are a terrorist, and help the elderly at the same time?! He laughs till crying when he heard my words, and says: I will bomb myself here. And both of us were laughing. Then, it turned to be a friendship between us. Within our talks, he knew that I was an
Hence, he asked me a simple question, yet embarrassing one for me: Why are you an atheist? I turned silent for a moment and told him because I believe in science and the theory of evolution. He said to me, I also believe in science and some parts of the theory of evolution. In addition, I felt that my faith in science doesn’t take me to the idea of not believing in the existence of Allah, the only one God. On the contrary, nothing is small, and what we think of as a scepter is only a wise
measure of Allah.
Wisdom in Single Details
I tells him the story of my physical turmoil when I heard his words and felt that there was something I should look for; Why am I atheist? On his turn, my Muslim friend told me that one day he met his friend and he had a sum of money with him, which Muslims called “Sadakah.” He wanted to donate some money to those who needed it. He knew that I was a volunteer in charity, so he gave them to me.
After I left this friend on my way to home, I met my neighbor crying. So, I said to him, What is wrong with you, my brother? He said: my daughter is in hospital to undergo a critical operation, and I need a specific sum of money to complete the procedures to save her life. Only one hour is left! Suddenly, I remembered the amount that my friend had just
given to me. Hence, I quickly took money out of my pocket and gave it to my neighbor.
The surprise that amazed me and I was that the amount my friend gave me was exactly the amount left for the operation of the daughter of my neighbor. He put his head on earth “sujood”, thanking ALLAH. He hurried up to the hospital to see his daughter. O Allah! how close you are! I remember at that time the verse in the book of Allah “Qur’an” that says:
… He [Allah] arranges [each] matter; He details the signs that you may, of the meeting with your Lord, be certain,” [Qur’an 13-2](1)
Debate with Myself
After my Muslim friend telling me the story of the man and the amount of money he needed to carry out the operation of his daughter, and how it happened in a tight and precise order, I said to myself: it is difficult to say that it is a coincidence. I began to ask myself like what my Muslim friend asked; why am I an atheist? I started to think about a real answer. Also, I was lost in a debate between me and myself. Actually, I live in a comfortable and relaxed lifestyle. Moreover, I don’t miss anything to need to think about the existence of a god or not. My soul answered me: why don’t you believe in the existence of a god? There is no doubt that his existence is a reality. If you neglect that, you will lose everything!
In the Forest
I went to sleep because I had a trip early in a forest by bike. Then, I started my journey in the morning and forgot all my questions.In the course of my adventure in the forest, I fall to a small hill and injured my feet. While trying to get out of the hill, I found what I never expect; a fierce bear attacked me!
At that time I felt that I came to the end. I did not know how I said it and why I said it, but I sure said, “Oh God, Oh God, I have nothing but you; the only one who is capable of saving me, my God.. my God ; And the bear was about to devour my head in his mouth. However, I suddenly found him away from me and leave me going to somewhere else! I remained in my place for a time.
In fact, I do not remember the duration, but I felt it was long. I told myself: hurry up! Run away before it return. But there was something inside me saying: Do not be afraid; it will not come back again!
I went back to my house and started to remember. I screamed with a loud voice.
O God! If you are there, give me a proof that you exist and I will believe in you.
And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided,” [Qur’an 2-186](2)
Why Am I Atheist?
A week after that incident, I met my Muslim friend and I told him what happened to me. Hence, he came out of his pocket with a translated version of the meanings of the verses of the Qur’an. He said: read; you may find what you’ve searched for.
Hence, I started reading the Qur’an. In fact, I found while reading it that it is not like reading a story. Otherwise, it is like reading something that guides me. In one night, I decided to read the Qur’an in a spiritual atmosphere. So, I lit a candle, opened the window and closed the curtains. It was a beautiful summer night. Moreover, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff and ready to jump. I started reading the Qur’an. The atmosphere was silent. I stopped and said: O God, this is my opportunity. I am about to jump and convert to Islam now. However, all what I need is a signal from you; a simple signal; it does not need to be a big thing. Perhaps lightning from the sky or any small thing coming from You
for You created the earth.
I sat waiting for the candles to rise 4 meters in the air as in the movies, and I said: OK, start! Nothing happened, and frankly I became very disappointed. I sat down and said: God! this is your chance and I’m here, I will not go anywhere, I’ll give you another chance. Well, maybe you’re busy. It’s the day in the other hemisphere. And there’s a lot of things happening there. Maybe this time a small voice or maybe a bird enters and a voice happens. I do not care what matters. I said: OK, start! However, nothing happened! I could not even notice any change in anything.
Time of Truth
In fact, I was very disappointed and sat angry thinking and saying to myself: Is this my last chance to convert to Islam? But still I could not find my cause. I reopen the Qur’an and proceed reading. The first verse after that was:
Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and earth, and the alternation of the night and the day, and the [great] ships which sail through the sea with that which benefits people, and what Allah has sent down from the heavens of rain, giving life thereby to the earth after its lifelessness and dispersing therein every [kind of] moving creature, and [His] directing of the winds and the clouds controlled between the heaven and the earth are signs for a people who use reason,” [Qur’an 2-164](3)
I put the lid over my head and pretended to be asleep. I was afraid to that extent, because I could not believe how much I was arrogant and insisting on the sign I was asking for, while all signs were present; the fact of the existence of the world and the fact that God created these signs are for all of us.
New Morning… New Life
The next morning I decided to go to the ‘Masjid’ to ask about some of the things that were thinking about, and I did not find an answer for them. Finally, I will put an end to this question: why am I atheist? entered the ‘Masjid’; it was a quiet place with only some of people sitting on the ground reading, some standing and some prostrate on the ground. I felt like I enter a
place for relaxation.
I headed to a man sitting on the ground saying to me: hello my brother! This is the first time I see you here.
I said to him: Yes, I read about Islam and I have some questions. So I want to know the answer. Do you know where I find those who answer me?
He said to me, I am here. Then, I asked my questions. He started to answer me, referring to a Book, and saying: the answer is here in this verse. I knew that it is the Qur’an (Muslim Book). Indeed, I was impressed by this, because I was earlier when I ask other faiths about something I always find them answer me based on their views and philosophy, not based on the book they believe in, and this was for me important.
At the end of his speech, he said to me a saying that was steadfast and joyous to me, and served me in my journey to find an answer to the question: why am I atheist?
He said that Francis Beckon had a beautiful saying; a little science makes you an atheist, but an in-depth study makes you believe in God.
I said to myself: finally, I had found the answer to the question: why I am here!
As a result, I asked the Imam immediately that I want to convert to Islam. So he said to me, now,
after you know Islam, do you believe in one God? Furthermore, do you believe that there is no other gods, and
that God created angels to obey the commands, and that He distinguishes men with reason
and will from all other creation and send them as messengers with books to teach the truth from falsehood, and let people learn about themselves, their Creator, and what is required from them in the test of the world?
I said: yes, I believe in that all.
Then he said: say after me: “Ash-hadu ann la elaha ella Allah, wa-ash-hadu anna Muhammad rasool Allah.” (I testify that there is no god but Allah, and I testify that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.)